when you drop a guitar in nicaragua, it plays "hotel california."

there´s a pastry shop i go to every other day or so, and i always order a rolled-up sweet bread called the cuerno, named for its resemblance to a horn. for some reason it´s absolutely hilarious to the two women who work there that i always order the same thing, as if i were requesting a soiled-diaper danish. today i was finally given the nickname Señor Cuerno.

there´s a guy on calle atravesado who asks for money, usually just putting a hand out as you pass. he is missing his left eye, and it looks like it was removed with an ice cream scoop. two days ago he was clucking - or howling, screeching - just like a wounded chicken.


aside from my work as a teacher in the school, i volunteer a couple afternoons a week with a family of six children, a mom and dad, and a little old grandma who speaks nearly unintelligble spanish. four of the children are adopted and the other two - or three, depending on the day - are related by blood. recently i was walking back home with a couple of the other volunteers as the sun set (gorgeous silent tomato exploding over nicaragau), and sarah mentioned that the grandma was a spy for the sandinistas during the war in the 80s. she would go from place to place in town, hunched as she walked, complaining that she was sick and in pain, and under her apron she kept a pistol and the letters she was sent to deliver.

should we share our infinite cookies?

you may say to yourself that just because i´ve come to granada that i´m not able to hear the bee gees on a regular basis. you are very wrong! on election night, waiting for my slice to go at telepizza, i stopped cursing the service long enough to catch "i started a joke." just today, cutting through the cluttered passages of the market, the part where nobody seems to sell poker chips, i caught the last few notes of "words" before someone switched the station. one terrible morning weeks back, realizing that the water i had just boiled and poured into my oatmeal had a mouse turd in it, and that the eggs i had hardboiled the night before were missing, and that in my effort to have one less pot to clean i poured my coffee directly down the drain, and that the kitchen was now occupied by my host mother and sister in their flurry of morningtime cooking and chatting, and that the bagel i ordered at the euro cafe as a replacement breakfast would take a whole eternity to toast - it´s just at this moment that "staying alive" came through the speakers. i can´t forget to mention the times i´ve been racing down calle atravesada, trying to get by the money-changers and taxis and fresco sellers and folks with baskets on their heads when i´ve stopped in my tracks to listen to "night fever" playing on a tv in the street (yes, a tv in the street) or even, my personal favorite, "how deep is your love."

"how deep is your love" is from the era of disco bee gees, saturday night fever time (late 70s), but it was written in protest of california´s recent proposition 8, the consitutional ban of gay marriage. in an effort to allegedly preserve the sanctity of the most unsanctimonious, whored-about insitution in our society, Marriage, the California Straights just passed a law made sure that they don´t have to share their cookies with the California Gays. the thing is that these silly bastards don´t realize that there´s enough cookies to go around - an infinity of cookies! in a perfect california the Straights would nibble on their cookie and divorce it two bites in, while the Gays would stroll off to their yard and eat their own cookie without dropping a crumb. the problem is that the Straights just care too much. hence the lyric: "cause we´re living in a world of fools, breaking us down, when they all should let us be, we belong to you and me..."

i don´t personally think that the fact that a song has a political message makes it better. usually it´s the opposite. and it could even be argued that the bee gees lacked the prescience to protest a gay marriage ban 30 years in advance. but the fact is that if you think that you probably haven´t watched the video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpRFeJEG6_o

since you all love this topic so much, remind me to tell you sometime about the culture of incredibly flaming gay men in granada. it´s the last thing that me or any of my friends expected to see in such a stereotypically macho country. or, if this topic is making you all uncomfortable, i´ll tell you about the little old lady i know who used to be a sandinista spy. and no, she isn´t gay.

La Epifania

One day during the break between classes at La Epifania I was talking with one of the teachers, a very sweet woman in her 40s. She told me about how much she enjoyed meeting the volunteers from all over the world, and especially those most interesting people of all, the Israelis. Her eyes wide open, she sounded like she was talking about unicorns. "These people," she said in Spanish, "who believe that the Messiah never came!" She spoke without judgement, just pure awe and wonder. She absolutely could not wait for her next opportunity to talk with a Jew. A week later I met a drunk Nicaraguan fellow in a bar who simply did not believe me when I said I wasn´t Jewish. I stopped arguing and started replying to him with "Shalom" and "Baruch atah adonoi." He told me that he was a friend of Jews, and that he came from a very powerful family and would give me protection.



La Parrillada
One morning, exhausted from a late night and coming off several days of a head cold, I tagged along to the house of a friend of a friend for a barbeque. I really just wanted to stay in bed but had already said I would come. We headed over, met the couple who owns the house (Felipe and Margarita), and then up to the market to buy the chicken and frescos (sugary juices in a bag). The parrillada started off slowly, some chairs in the backyard under the fruit trees and a boom box blasting Nicaraguan dance music. Friends and relatives - or possibly all relatives - came by and took seats, and the grilling started a few feet away. The preferred way to start ignite the coals was with a twisted up plastic bag. I watched from my chair as the smoke blew my way.

The food was served fast and everyone started eating. I turned down shots of rum several times, explaining that I was hung-over and had to work on a lesson in the afternoon...this excuse sufficed, but never for more than thirty seconds. At one point Juan leaned over and told me that Felipe said I was now considered family, which made me wildly uncomfortable, and a few minutes later the entire gathering starting egging me on to dance - first with Ivania, then with Maria. Maria was sitting next to her boyfriend, nobody else was dancing, and it didn´t make a difference that I claimed not to know how to dance. "That´s ok," said Juan, "we´ll all be clapping!" I blew my nose and asked if maybe anyone else cared to dance in my place. Eventually they let me be, and Felipe took me on spin around the town and the lakefront on his motorcycle. We stopped at a couple different docks and stared at the lake. I would say things like "wow" and "yup, it sure is beautiful!" and Felipe would say, at the very most, "tranquilo." This either meant that the lake was tranquilo or that I needed to relax.



On the Street
When you pass someone on the street in Nicaragua, you can hello if you like, but you can also say "adios." It makes sense - a chance encounter on the street is equal parts walking toward and walking away, and there really isn´t any logical reason we should choose one or the other. But nobody ever says a Spanish equivalent of "and there you are," which I think would be just great.